Cartman

I was watching South Park last night and in the episode Cartman becomes a teacher and is sent to the inner city to teach at-risk children. (The reasons are too bizarre to get into.) He changes his appearance and looks like Jaime Escalante in Stand and Deliver. This episode was funny as hell but was surprisingly accurate in its view of the inner city classroom. I have been in places like the graffiti-tagged school he ends up in. The students he teaches were a lot like my first 7th-grade class. Also Kyle's warning to Cartman was so true: "Dude, you're a white boy giving orders... they're going to f&*$ing kill you." Throughout, Cartman turns to the audience and says "How do I reach these kids?" Something I say a million times, although without the Spanish accent Cartman was using. (Also Cartman tells them to cheat because that's what White people do. I can't get behind that sort of thing.) Anyhow, it was a wonderful way to laugh myself into bed. I've never quoted from South Park before. Cartman was so cute as a tiny Mr. Escalante.

Yes! Good times are coming.

It was really a tough day at school. The kids weren't very happy to be back and neither was I. Here's some advice to the students reading my blog. If you don't want to be at school keep your head down and keep a low profile. Getting in my face and calling me a mother%$*#ing racist is not a good way to go because I'm going to have you suspended. Just some advice.

The end of the year can't come fast enough for me or my wonderful scholars. Soon we'll all be relaxing on my deck with Cubans and snifters of brandy. Reflecting on the good times. Reflecting on the anger management yo yo team that came to school today with their message of "positivity" in the face of crack, AIDS, neglect, and grinding poverty. "Be positive people and spread positivity everywhere! You can do it! Now watch me walk the dog!" You can't eat a yo yo for a balanced breakfast and a yo yo sure doesn't listen to you gripe about your day or draw you a warm bath. Sorry to be so unpositive.

Huzzah!

The weekend is sweet. Monday is a day off. What a relief that the weekend is here. Raise your glass of limeade or handful of cheese doodles high with me! Happy Memorial Day Weekend to one and all and to all a good night! Now snuggle up with visions of sugarplums dancing in your head.

Coffee at the Faculty Lounge

I'm enjoying a coffee at the Rookie Schoolteacher Faculty Lounge. Decompressing a bit after my day. Mmm. Each sip is taking me deeper into caffeinated bliss. Memories of angry children are sloughing off. A friend of mine told me about her brother who works in the inner city schools. He liked teaching to a daily enema. I'm thinking more colonoscopy/dmv license renewal after today.

But it is better. I'm calling parents. Right now. Telephones are slick with tears. Respect must be paid.

Get me the Hell out of here! I mean now, damn it!

This is just a day from Hell. So bad that I needed to stop in the middle and write about it. I can't take the talking back. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of being called a racist because I tell students to stop talking during my lessons. I'm tired of this whole f$%#ing inner city mentality of I'm going to fight you every step of the way for everything. I'm done with it. I'm done. There's about an hour and a half left. I'll make it but I want to scream. I'm not working in a school today. It's a correctional facility. No learning is taking place. It's just a maelstrom of anger, hormones, and feces. Ugh.

(Yes, for the regular readers, someone is pooping in the halls again. Much love.)

Perhaps I'm not so sad about possibly leaving this?

Here's hoping!

Well, thanks to those who've wished me well on my contract renewal. It means a lot. I'm now left with about 15 days to go. These 15 days will be the hardest of the year. The kids have thrown in the towel. The head cases are now officially off their rockers. It's grand, just grand.



I'm conflicted. I've been sending out resumes to many schools in hopes of moving to a safer, saner, and (hopefully) suburban school. I've done 4 years in the inner city. If things don't work out it will be 5 years. I feel hopeful that a new district will pick me up. I am a man with a masters degree. I have experience. I'm not burnt out. I have "mad skills" according to some of my students. The conflict is over the joy and hope that I feel. I don't want to turn my back on the kids and the horrible neighborhoods they inhabit. Still, I need to get out of here for my own health and sanity. I'm sad about this.



I don't want to leave any of the wonderful kids behind. I don't want to leave my friends behind. I teach with some cool people. Starting over will be hard.



There will be wonderful perks to moving to a better district though. I'll be able to walk through the halls without watching my back. I'll probably not be ripped off as much. I probably won't have my cellphone or car keys stolen. (I've never written about this pre-blog event. My keys were stolen my first semester of teaching. What a f$#king problem that was! I never found out who stole them but that was probably a good thing because I would have gone to jail and lost my license to teach if I had. The gloves would have been off. I'll have to tell that story from the past some day.) I might have history textbooks and a proper school library complete with librarian. I might have a science lab with science materials and a dedicated science teacher. My students might have access to musical instruments, sports, and extracurricular activities. It would be wonderful!



I don't want to get my hopes up; but I've got my hopes up.

Contract in hand at the microphone stand!

I have been offered a new contract! Oh happy day! I guess this time around my teaching was up to snuff. Also, I didn't run afoul of my principal. This year I kept my friggin' mouth shut and everything worked out just fine.

Last year's teaching was just as good as this year's. My principal from last year was just a strutting peacock inflated with the hot breath from the people kissing his big ass. Whatever I said gave him the impression (correctly!) that I saw right through him. I did too. I had his number from go. This dude is pretty well known. When you see him you'll look through him like window glass, too, if you are smart. You are smart or you wouldn't be reading my fabulous blog. Hopefully, you didn't pay him to speak at your conference.

There are quite a few charlatans in our business. They are the ones that make sure you know they have a doctorate or masters degree. They are the ones that strut around and politic and glad hand. When the going gets tough they say inspiring things like "teach math before lunch" and "be sure and sign in on time, you were late yesterday." They take home really big paychecks for nuggets of wisdom like this. Here's another - "You can get information about Gettysburg from the Internet." Thanks. My old principal told me that one day as we were gathering materials for a big project. This guy makes almost 6 figures. 6 friggin' figures! The toaster in the break room has more smarts and it can heat up frozen pizza!!

But I, hopefully, will never see him again. What am I going to do this summer? Should I work?

Philly Schools are Dangerous! Who Knew?

I walked out the door and picked up the Philadelphia Inquirer and the top story is "Report: City schools unsafe, unjust." Hmm... seems familiar. There's a 70-page report detailing the problems with discipline and safety in Philly schools. Students aren't being expelled because of weapons violations. Students are being sent to alternative settings but it is a very small percentage of the worst offenders. Most discipline problems with children result in nothing and the students are returned to the classroom. To quote,"Philadelphia public schools are unsafe places where students who commit violent crimes are rarely punished and rehabilitated and with a discipline system that is 'dysfunctional and unjust,' according to a report by the district's safe schools advocate."

I've been writing about this stuff for years because I've been living it. It's depressing to be a teacher striving to make a difference in a place like this. Last year about this time the Inquirer was running stories about teachers that were attacked,etc. (I was interviewed but my story never appeared.) It seemed like things might be changing because one of us got his neck broken. Literally. But summer came and that was the end of it. On to writing about the next important thing - Amy Winehouse's funky, heroin-soaked beehive.

It's bad in the inner-city school. I've had students pretend to shoot me with their finger. They then say "You wait until next time." It chills you. Guns are as prevalent as Xbox in the inner city. You write it up and the disciplinarian laughs at you and shrugs. You forget about it. You remember the next day when you see the same kid. You wonder. Maybe your number is up? You think about what an f*&ked up situation is all is. You've come as a professional to provide an education that will help someone. Instead it doesn't matter. You wonder if you car will still have its tires when you leave at the end of the day. Will that kid be waiting in the spare tire compartment? Will you make it home to your own family? Then you think about the student loans that you repay every month. In reality you are paying cash money for this abuse. Down is up. Up is down.

Oh, sorry, I've been digressing. The Inquirer story is a great one. It illustrates yet again what a ridiculous system we have. Will it change anything? Who knows? I'm guessing it won't. There are new ideas out there that might make a difference in school climate. Will Okun's blog was recommended to me by my old friend JJ. He suggests in one of his posts that we pay the kids to come to school. Smart thinking from a Chicago teacher. Maybe he's on to something. My students have no interest in school. They might if we slid some cash their way. I'll pay them to try to learn. A little cash might prevent me from getting shanked on the playground. Either way it's a win/win solution.

Standardized mania

My kids have been taking standardized tests this week. My kids are either the sneakiest or the dumbest kids I have ever taught. We've had at least 4 incidents a day. Kids who've gone back to work on previous portions they weren't able to finish. Kids who've pulled out textbooks to consult during sections they don't understand. Kids who are writing essays in the wrong section of the book. Kids who have answered everything in the test book instead of on the answer sheet.
I have one student whose test is completely voided because he's a dumbass. I've never had a class like this.

My kids cannot follow the simplest directions. Following directions to the letter is an impossible task for them. It's amazing. Part of it is what they see around them. Hardly anyone follows directions in their homes and neighborhoods. It's very sad. What's going to become of these kids?

The testing is driving them bananas. They cannot deal with being quiet or sitting still for any time at all.

I'm strapped in for the ride to the end. I'm on the glide path. This is a good thing. If one more kid yells at me... What should I do? Maybe some sadistic torture. Read War and Peace over the weekend! Write a book report!

Teacher Appreciation Week

It's National Teacher Appreciation Week. Thank a teacher. Send them some flowers. Bring them some candy. Send them a substitute.



Teachers get the shaft, in my humble opinion.

Milkmen

My friend Darcy wrote about the Dead Milkmen and it brought this video to mind. Thanks YouTube. A nice time capsule of things that don't exist anymore in Philly, including the Dead Milkmen. Here's a link to Gnarls Barkley. My students don't know who they are. "Gnarls Barkley? Who that?"

Groove back?

It's been all out of control at Rookie schoolteacher central. The warm air has turned my students from surly punks to almost uncontrollable surly punks. At least some of them. I'm adrift in a sea of detention slips and suspension notices. It's so unnecessary. The kids that I teach are so ridiculously unsocialized. The heating of the Earth that makes Spring a flowerfilled adventure turns my children into frenzied bolts of hormone-fried lightning. They can't sit still, they can't stop moving, they can't stop talking, they can't stop fighting, and they don't feel like learning. Spring is so nice.

How do I deal with this, you might ask? Well, not very well so far these couple of weeks. Spring may have excited my little ones but it has yet to wake me from my winter lethargy. I have no energy to grade or discipline or anything else. I would like to watch a movie or something.

Still, the year is on its way to being over. It's almost May. Soon the kids will be moving on and summer will be in full effect.

I hope I get my groove back. Teaching is like the long baseball season. You get in the doldrums sometimes and it takes a while to get your swing back. Perhaps the new Gnarls Barkley record will help. I bought it yesterday and it is so very good.

Yes, I am a Gnarls Barkley aficionado. Aficionado was one of our vocabulary words today. I love those guys! If they didn't say the f word in one of the songs I might bring it in and play it for the kids. I should bring some of the clean stuff in. Maybe some Dead Milkmen too. Perhaps some Motorhead. "Ace of Spades" would be wonderful. "And don't forget the joker."

Just 6 more years to proficiency!

I've been doing this blog since April 2005. It's April 2008. What a long strange trip it's been and yet I still feel like a Rookie Schoolteacher at this. Much wiser teachers than me have said it takes 10 years to really get this job down. I would agree. Here's to another 6 years of working to basic proficiency level.

I'm patting myself on the back.

Poop!

So I'm walking out of the building and step into the stairwell with my class. Something squishy is under my heel. I look down and wonder of wonders, I'm stepping in human sh$t! Fu#%ing excellent! What a way to finish off a horrible Monday with my wonderful students. It's been a fun day of "I have a headache! I have to see the nurse! I have a stomachache! I have to see the nurse! I have a fingerache! I have to see the nurse! I have to blow my nose. I need to use the bathroom! I have to go to the bathroom! I have to go to the office to call my house I didn't tell my mom I have flugelhorn practice!" Everything at "I have to!" No. Actually, you don't have to do anything. And stop blowing your nose in your hand and wiping it all over your face. You're a big boy now.

Who is taking a dump in the goddamn stairwell? WTF? More likely someone is moving the poop from somewhere and dumping it in the stairwell. Again, WTF?

Maybe the stairwell dumper has a blog? I'll google it. Disgruntled teachers have blogs. Disgusting stairwell poopers probably have them too. Probably like this...

I was at school today and I got that urge. The urge to heh, heh, heh you know... That's right. I popped one out on the third floor landing. LOL! I was almost caught though. Why do people have to use the stairs for walking. WTF? I mean what do people even have to have feet for? Why walk on beautiful stairs with your cruddy feet? All you need is a set of well washed stairs and an excretory system.

I can only imagine the blogs. We teachers have it easy though. What's a little poop. I get the summers off, what am I complaining about?

April Fools

Ah, it's been such a great April so far and we're only on day 2. Many students are ready to finish out the end of the year strong. They are focused. Major tests will happen soon and they will do fine. These students are in the minority in my class and school. I have quite a few students that are completely "off the chain" since returning from Spring break.

Some recent moments have included a student threatening to beat me up because I made the mistake of asking him for his homework papers. A student screaming at me at the top of his lungs because I asked him to get out his Science book and stop talking. The same student throwing his desk and books on the floor and then storming out of the classroom. Of course he slammed the door as hard as he could. (The company that makes the safety glass with the wire inside sure makes it strong. That classroom window never cracked.) Lots of rolling of the eyes. Lots of not listening to anything. Lots of huffing and puffing. Lots of tears. Lots of anger.

It's frustrating.

The other day I stopped my science lesson and said "Thank you to those who are listening and taking part. The rest of you... how can I interest you? I mean this is our planet we're learning about. We only live here. I'm not teaching you about something that doesn't matter. How can I interest you...?" It makes me sad and mad, too. My students have so much against them. Many will succumb to the madness that surrounds us in the inner city. Less than 50% of Philadelphia public school kids will graduate from high school. This is very sad but many of these students sink themselves. Perhaps they will get it on their own with a GED in the future?

It's frustrating.

On a lighter note, I intercepted this love note the other day.

Is he very very very cute if he go out with he

DUH?!

Reply?

What kind of response will this girl get? "If he go out with he?" Is she interested in a boy that likes boys? "If he go out with she?" He is going out with another girl? "Is he very very very cute if he go out with he?" He's really cute when he goes out with boys on a date? Kinky.

It makes me laugh but in a bittersweet kind of way when I read these love notes. They make no sense as letters. What have they done with all the letter writing practice we've done? How are they ever to fall in love if their letters can't be understood? There's always lots of fighting along with the courtship in the schools. Perhaps it's all due to written misunderstandings? Or maybe he is very cute when he dates a boy?

I got an advanced degree for this. Yeah!

Not one kid had any interest in April Fools Day. What's up with that?

The belly of the beast

I'm blogging from inside the belly of the beast. I'm in the cushy teacher's lounge. Of course I'm getting my nails manicured, checking my stock portfolio, and declining another serving of cracked crab.

Seriously, I'm feeling yucky today. I think a cold is moving into my system in time for the Easter holidays. Hopefully, some Nyquil substitute from Walgreens will fix me.

There's a lot of stuff out there now, as always, about how the teacher's unions are responsible for the situation in our schools. I need to put some links to this stuff because it is all a bunch of lies foisted by evil lobbyists. Maybe these smear campaigns are laying my immune system low.

Teaching reality check

One of my students had a close relative killed. I'm very bummed. All of my students navigate a world that my white graduate school ass could never navigate. I have to be tough to exist in my school but I almost cried in class when I got this news. I've been bummed since.

My afternoon consisted of talking to counselors, taking a trip to the drug store for a sympathy card, calling parents to express my sadness, and taking a trip to the record store for a pick me up CD.

I'm listening to some very loud punk rock and having a beer. I'm going to watch some funny stuff on the tube.

I'm going to give my kids a lot of time to process this stuff. Reality bites.

McCain?

Idiots keep talking about how Obama is a Muslim sleeper agent. Why couldn't McCain be a North Vietnamese secret agent? Hmm. He was a prisoner for a long time. He kind of looks like Uncle Ho, too. Just a thought. A few months into the presidency and Donald Pleasance calls McCain and says "The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. Remember Comrade, miles to go before I sleep." Then some real crazy stuff happens before Charles Bronson shows up to fix everything. Just a thought.

English spoken here. Not!

I'm not sure why my students have such a hard time with the English language. We can't do verb tenses. We drop endings off verbs. We change the logical order. This is both in written and spoken English. They do it, their parents do it, and teachers from the same groups do it. My students are native English speakers and so are their parents. What is going on here? Why do my students from all minority groups have such trouble with their native tongue?

I've just got done grading a bunch of written projects. Can you tell? Why am I surprised that students in the inner city can't speak properly? People in my own family can't speak proper English either. Oh well. It's just frustrating to read my students' work and I really can't read a lot of it. It doesn't make sense. I go over proper grammar all the goddamn time. What the f#%&#?

Pretty good for government work.

I've been having a nice few days at school. My kids have been pretty good. We might actually score 200 points for the week. If we can reach 200 the students will get a movie next Friday as a reward. I hope that we can do it. I've had this prize out there since December and we have yet to get it.

My students make their own problems. They have it good in my room. We shut the door on the rest of the nutty school and do our thing. I enjoy laughter in my classroom. I enjoy a game here and there. I like to make the learning fun. It can be so good to be in the room when things are cool. It's very irritating when the kids come at things the wrong way and make bad decisions. They have it pretty good in my school. I've taught in places where I probably should have been packing a bazooka. This school isn't that bad. The facilities are good. The teachers actually care. I guess it's human nature to want to screw things up. Maybe those kids will get it years from now when they remember the times they spent with the Rookie Schoolteacher?

Teachers like order. Teachers love people who want to learn. Teachers love kids.

I am a teacher.

Let's hope we get our 200. I want to watch a movie. I want to eat snacks. What should it be? Perhaps one of my favorites, The Blues Brothers? Perhaps when I want to get a new career?