Monday, November 28, 2005

Back from Thanksgiving!

I got back from a wonderful Thanksgiving vacation. It was so wonderful to have some extra time with my family. Truly refreshing. I had no interest in coming to work this morning. Forgot my coffee. Everything was off. The kids were horrible. Mondays are always rough but Mondays after a break are the worst. It was like I wasn't there. Horrible.

On a brighter note, I wrote a novel in one month! I had to burn the candle at both ends to do it and annoyed my family to no end but I did it! Nanowrimo is awesome! I recommend it to everyone. I just downloaded and printed my certificate. Sweet! I'm drinking an Iron City Beer to celebrate. Good night faithful readers.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

A Little Better

A little bit better today. It seems this year I get one good day a week. Last year I got none. Perhaps next year I'll get two? A man can dream. Just wanted to write something positive for a change. I realize that this year's posts have been rather negative and I'm not a negative guy, far from it, actually. I just wish I could shake my cold. It's just refusing to go away. If it would go then things would be great.

I'm psyched that cold weather might be here. It was about 100 degrees in my room this afternoon. I was soaked in sweat. Disgusting. It shouldn't be 70 degrees in November in Philadelphia. This time of year should be crisp and cold. I walked outside this morning and it felt so wrong to have an extra warm breeze in my face. Supposedly it will be 40 tomorrow. Let's get it on! I want to freeze my ass off and wear jackets and perhaps see the snow fly. Thanksgiving is 8 days away. It needs to be cold.

I need to immerse myself in paperwork before I fall asleep. I'm already drowsy.


On an unrelated topic, can Cheney's poll numbers dip below 20? I'm betting they can and hoping Bush's keep dipping too.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I'm Sisyphus Pushing My Textbook...

I'm still trying to get myself back on track after being sick for a few days. I got nothing done this past weekend. Instead, I was curled in a ball holding my aching stomach or retching. My paperwork languished as did my homework for my grad class. I just got all the homework finished at 1:30 am this morning. Now I'm digging into all the paperwork that I haven't done. I hope to be in bed early, however. I can't be up all night and yelling all day (if it's a typical one). I'll kill myself.

I've already dropped my exercise routine for the past month. Not by choice, I'm just too busy and exhausted. I'm really wondering what the point is in all this bulls&*t that I endure. Is it worth my wife and family? I hardly see them because of all the crap I do at night. Is it worth giving up a serious chunk of every weekend? Is it worth all the negative vibes that I get? Is it worth the way it makes me feel most of the time. My feelings of dread and utter hopelessness are beginning to pervade the rest of my life. I am with these f@#&ing kids and my f@#&ing school more than I am anywhere else. Why should it be this way? I try every day to make it better and to teach them better ways to be and behave and it gets me nowhere. I'm Sisyphus pushing a giant textbook up the hill and it never stops rolling back.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Mr., I told you to shut the F up!

I wrote a lot of detentions today. This exchange tells you what kind of day I had. "Jody, this detention is for you telling me to f@*% off this morning." "Mr. I didn't tell you that, I told you to shut the f@*% up."

I'm so tired of being yelled at by kids. I don't take any of it but it doesn't stop them and I don't really know what to do anymore. There needs to be some kind of buy in and cooperation from these kids and that's not happening. Also there needs to be some kind of improvement in behavior when you correct them and when you take the next steps of calling home and giving detentions and suspensions. They don't behave any better now and I've been working with them for three months. It's so frustrating and exhausting. My eyes are closing as I write this and I still have miles to go before I sleep.

Oh, to sleep. Beautiful sleep. I really want to just drink myself into oblivion and sleep and sleep. These friggin' kids are driving me crazy.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Man oh man.

Today was a little better than yesterday. My school is out of control, though. The kids are running it and they are running amok. It's annoying and dangerous. My room was halfway decent until the end. It's always something though. My gripe today is the classroom phone. It just never stops ringing. How are we able to teach when the phone rings all the damn time? I just start talking and the kids are quiet and the phone rings. Then it rings again and again and again. At least fifteen times after lunch. Every time it was about something stupid and unnecessary. Why?

No Child Left Behind meet the classroom phone. You aren't able to teach when that phone rings every five minutes. Not going to happen.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

This is Bull%$&*!

I am really unhappy with my performance today. I feel rotten about what happened in my room today. I said some things that I would like to take back. It is so frustrating to deal with the same awful behaviors day after day after day and to be alone in a self-contained room. I am so tired of being yelled at by kids and being ignored. I am tired of them destroying the room. I am tired of their lousy attitudes. I am tired of their lousy, neglectful parents.

I went home fuming and depressed and dejected. I'm still feeling this way and it's many hours later. I regret getting so angry and letting my mouth get ahead of my brain. I was sarcastic. I was vindictive. I was f*&@ing frustrated. I'm so tired of being a failure as a teacher. Hell, I'm not really a teacher. Teachers teach. I don't teach very much. I can't even get them to stop talking. I am tired of being a failure. I'm tired of being a punching bag. I'm starting to hate children. I used to like them and want to help them. I'm closing down. I'm starting to want to get out. I'm angry. I'm turning hard inside. I'm beginning not to care. I'm becoming someone I don't even know and I don't like it. Why is it so hard? Why are new teachers left to twist in the wind like this? This is my second year of the longest fraternity hazing in history. This is bull@%*%!