Back from Thanksgiving!

I got back from a wonderful Thanksgiving vacation. It was so wonderful to have some extra time with my family. Truly refreshing. I had no interest in coming to work this morning. Forgot my coffee. Everything was off. The kids were horrible. Mondays are always rough but Mondays after a break are the worst. It was like I wasn't there. Horrible.

On a brighter note, I wrote a novel in one month! I had to burn the candle at both ends to do it and annoyed my family to no end but I did it! Nanowrimo is awesome! I recommend it to everyone. I just downloaded and printed my certificate. Sweet! I'm drinking an Iron City Beer to celebrate. Good night faithful readers.

A Little Better

A little bit better today. It seems this year I get one good day a week. Last year I got none. Perhaps next year I'll get two? A man can dream. Just wanted to write something positive for a change. I realize that this year's posts have been rather negative and I'm not a negative guy, far from it, actually. I just wish I could shake my cold. It's just refusing to go away. If it would go then things would be great.

I'm psyched that cold weather might be here. It was about 100 degrees in my room this afternoon. I was soaked in sweat. Disgusting. It shouldn't be 70 degrees in November in Philadelphia. This time of year should be crisp and cold. I walked outside this morning and it felt so wrong to have an extra warm breeze in my face. Supposedly it will be 40 tomorrow. Let's get it on! I want to freeze my ass off and wear jackets and perhaps see the snow fly. Thanksgiving is 8 days away. It needs to be cold.

I need to immerse myself in paperwork before I fall asleep. I'm already drowsy.

*****

On an unrelated topic, can Cheney's poll numbers dip below 20? I'm betting they can and hoping Bush's keep dipping too.

I'm Sisyphus Pushing My Textbook...

I'm still trying to get myself back on track after being sick for a few days. I got nothing done this past weekend. Instead, I was curled in a ball holding my aching stomach or retching. My paperwork languished as did my homework for my grad class. I just got all the homework finished at 1:30 am this morning. Now I'm digging into all the paperwork that I haven't done. I hope to be in bed early, however. I can't be up all night and yelling all day (if it's a typical one). I'll kill myself.

I've already dropped my exercise routine for the past month. Not by choice, I'm just too busy and exhausted. I'm really wondering what the point is in all this bulls&*t that I endure. Is it worth my wife and family? I hardly see them because of all the crap I do at night. Is it worth giving up a serious chunk of every weekend? Is it worth all the negative vibes that I get? Is it worth the way it makes me feel most of the time. My feelings of dread and utter hopelessness are beginning to pervade the rest of my life. I am with these f@#&ing kids and my f@#&ing school more than I am anywhere else. Why should it be this way? I try every day to make it better and to teach them better ways to be and behave and it gets me nowhere. I'm Sisyphus pushing a giant textbook up the hill and it never stops rolling back.

Mr., I told you to shut the F up!

I wrote a lot of detentions today. This exchange tells you what kind of day I had. "Jody, this detention is for you telling me to f@*% off this morning." "Mr. I didn't tell you that, I told you to shut the f@*% up."

I'm so tired of being yelled at by kids. I don't take any of it but it doesn't stop them and I don't really know what to do anymore. There needs to be some kind of buy in and cooperation from these kids and that's not happening. Also there needs to be some kind of improvement in behavior when you correct them and when you take the next steps of calling home and giving detentions and suspensions. They don't behave any better now and I've been working with them for three months. It's so frustrating and exhausting. My eyes are closing as I write this and I still have miles to go before I sleep.

Oh, to sleep. Beautiful sleep. I really want to just drink myself into oblivion and sleep and sleep. These friggin' kids are driving me crazy.

Man oh man.

Today was a little better than yesterday. My school is out of control, though. The kids are running it and they are running amok. It's annoying and dangerous. My room was halfway decent until the end. It's always something though. My gripe today is the classroom phone. It just never stops ringing. How are we able to teach when the phone rings all the damn time? I just start talking and the kids are quiet and the phone rings. Then it rings again and again and again. At least fifteen times after lunch. Every time it was about something stupid and unnecessary. Why?

No Child Left Behind meet the classroom phone. You aren't able to teach when that phone rings every five minutes. Not going to happen.

This is Bull%$&*!

I am really unhappy with my performance today. I feel rotten about what happened in my room today. I said some things that I would like to take back. It is so frustrating to deal with the same awful behaviors day after day after day and to be alone in a self-contained room. I am so tired of being yelled at by kids and being ignored. I am tired of them destroying the room. I am tired of their lousy attitudes. I am tired of their lousy, neglectful parents.

I went home fuming and depressed and dejected. I'm still feeling this way and it's many hours later. I regret getting so angry and letting my mouth get ahead of my brain. I was sarcastic. I was vindictive. I was f*&@ing frustrated. I'm so tired of being a failure as a teacher. Hell, I'm not really a teacher. Teachers teach. I don't teach very much. I can't even get them to stop talking. I am tired of being a failure. I'm tired of being a punching bag. I'm starting to hate children. I used to like them and want to help them. I'm closing down. I'm starting to want to get out. I'm angry. I'm turning hard inside. I'm beginning not to care. I'm becoming someone I don't even know and I don't like it. Why is it so hard? Why are new teachers left to twist in the wind like this? This is my second year of the longest fraternity hazing in history. This is bull@%*%!

The worst but a silver lining

My kids were the worst this afternoon. Actually, they weren't that good before lunch either. Every day the same kids do the exact same things. They don't change. Every day it's the same tantrums and bellyaching from the same kids. They drive me nuts. I have so little patience for kids like this. Someone should have taught them the right way to behave a long, long time ago.

On a happier note. My certification is going to Level 1. I'm becoming a lot more marketable. No one wants to talk to a rookie schoolteacher about a job. Now I can shoot for better jobs. Perhaps I can get one where I can teach instead of yell all day? A rookie can dream.

Happy Halloween. Don't eat too much candy. I've got to start correcting papers before I fall asleep. A teacher's work is never done.

Exhausted.

I'm so tired tonight. The kids wore me down today. I just woke up after falling asleep after dinner. I've woken up to go back to sleep. I didn't get to call many parents tonight. I'm just whipped. Teaching is exhausting.

It's depressing.

I'm feeling down and depressed about the way things are going in my classroom. My kids bitch and moan and throw tantrums and talk all day long. They push and shove and slap and throw things and never stop. I'm pulling my hair out. I'm not giving up but there has to be an easier way. I call a dozen houses a night. It does nothing. I give detentions. It does nothing. Kids get suspended. It does nothing. Doing nothing does nothing. Doing something does nothing. It makes no sense. It makes no sense. Down is up. Up is down.

This is my last year in the inner city unless some kind of magic happens. I hope that I can make some. I want to make some magic. I try so hard and it all blows up in my face every goddamn time. I'm so sick of taking s@&t.

Catching Up!

I used my day off to catch up on a hell of a lot of paperwork. It feels good to get the laundry done and get a stack of papers graded. If only it would stop raining. It's depressing. Rain and gloom. Each time it rains we lose 15 minutes of recess and that's depressing too. I want those students in that lunchroom. I don't want to lose 15 minutes of downtime. Yesterday was really f&*@ing hard. The kids were just awful. Disrespectful, angry, screaming, fractious, and cantankerous. I get so tired of their crap. Why in the hell are they so f&*@ing terrible? It's not just the inner city. That's a goddamn cop out. These kids are just the worst and their parents are to blame. Not the system. Not the inner city. It's the parents. They don't instill any values of any kind. They expect nothing from their children. They demand nothing. I'm left holding the bag.

Sorry to be so negative but negative is telling things straight up. I'm not sugarcoating this. I'm pissed! I'm way out of my element here. Rear your goddamn children, you freaks!

****

Did you happen to check out Bush's utterly fake teleconference today? Rubbish. Complete and total propaganda of the worst and most inept kind. Isn't it time to get rid of this corrupt administration? Impeach these liars. Let's get it on! Clinton got impeached for oral sex. WTF? Bush lied us into an unwinnable war and continues to lie. Bushworld is fantasyland. Impeachment! Say it with me!

Another day off, please?

I've been off for two days because of Rosh Hashanah and Ramadan. Yippie! It's been so nice to be away from the kids. Next week we've got Columbus Day and Yom Kippur. Fantastic!

I really don't want to go back tomorrow. I've had such a nice time off. There isn't any point in going back anyhow. I predict the students will be insane. Another Monday for them and then it will be Friday and Fridays are a waste of time. So, what's the point? Hopefully, it won't be that bad. I need to string together some good days. If I can get on a roll things will be a lot better. At the moment I'm so depressed I can't think straight or work up the enthusiasm necessary to do anything beyond the bare minimum. I don't want to be like this. Unless you've taught there is no way for the uninitiated to know how awful teaching can be when it isn't going right.

Sick of the BS!

Today was a day from Hell. Every Monday is hard because the kids seemingly forget everything over the weekend. This one was doubly hard because we are off tomorrow and Wednesday for religious holidays. What was the point in coming in today? The kids did nothing but screw around. No learning happened in my class today. Lots of temper tantrums, hurt feelings, paper throwing, crying, and some pointless rolling around on the floor. What the @&%*?

I'm in the wrong school. This is my second year in the inner city. I am not suited for this. I do very little substantive teaching. I do lots and lots of nothing. Nothing but managing the behavior of monsters. Well, managing makes me seem like I can actually do something. More like enduring the behavior of monsters who ignore me and every other adult. I'm sick of this. Sick of this. When will the moments of teaching ever happen for me? My life is enduring bull@*&% from monsters and filling out paperwork from indifferent administrators. I'm getting out of here. After this year I'll have two years of teaching under my belt, a masters, and Level 1 certification in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and Delaware. That's three states to choose from and there must be a better job in a better elementary school somewhere. I should not have to feel abused, disgusted, and demoralized 90% of the time. Life is too short.

I would like to work somewhere where I felt supported by my administration. A place where my calls for help are answered. Today I must have asked for assistance in my classroom 7 times after lunch. Not once did anyone come to my aid. I'm happy that I wasn't in danger but what if I was? I would have been in big trouble. This is an everyday occurrence in my school. No one is getting any help from school police or the NTAs. This happened last year too. It's dangerous and unacceptable.

I'm getting out after this year. I'm not making a difference. I'm wasting my life.

It never friggin' stops!

I like my kids but they really disappoint me. They make kooky decisions because they are kids. It bugs me some days more than others. Days like today that went halfway decent are still infuriating. I get home late after staying after doing paperwork and rearranging seats and whatnot. I buy stuff at the dollar store for the kids (spending money that I don't really have) and then head home late to see my own family. I scarf down a fast food dinner and then pick up the phone to call parents that aren't there and don't care anyway. The ones that pick up put the kid on the phone with me. Why? I have no freakin' idea. Explains a lot about why they can't do anything in my classroom. After wasting an hour on useless phone calls, I put my own children to bed and then start more paperwork. In a few hours I'll be back in the classroom doing it all over again.

Things are better this year but it is never ever easy. I'm tired and perpetually behind. Mostly, I marvel at the strangeness of the students in my school. They do not seem to get it. The same negative behaviors and values are inculcated in these kids before they get to me and, no matter how hard we try, they can't be eradicated.

This has nothing to do with anything, but the first Smiths record is wonderful. I haven't played it in years and it still holds up. Good rookie schoolteacher music.

Good Times

My depression from earlier in the week has lifted. Thursday and Friday were wonderful. I instituted some new incentives and they seemed to have worked some magic for some of the kids. They had some fun and got their work done and we all went home with a smile. I really like these kids and they are coming around. Hopefully, we can continue on Monday. Weekends are always tough on the classroom because they break the positive momentum. I have a warm glow and it's not alcohol-based for a change. I was actually teaching and enjoying the kids. That's why I got into this in the first place.

I'm listening to Doug Gillard's Salamander as I write this. Sublime. I wish the records he made with Death of Samantha weren't out of print. I wish I could go back to the mid 80's and buy a lot records.

Classroom Management

These last few days have been horrendous. I have a lot of students in my class who just can't stop fighting, sleeping, disrupting, and being negative. It's so exhausting to try your best and have it all unravel because a bunch of spoiled kids with no boundaries want to f*@% it all up. At the moment, I'm stinking up the joint in terms of being a teacher. My class doesn't follow instructions. They complain all the time. They don't want to do anything but eat their goddamn books, fight, and throw temper tantrums. I'm going to ask my masters program for a refund because I was sold a bill of goods. Not once has anyone taught us diddley squat about discipline and classroom management. Not once. I've been taught about every damn thing but nothing about discipline. The most important part of teaching is the classroom management stuff!!! It's the 900 pound gorilla in the room. No one talks about it in grad school. No one talks about it in the school district of Philadelphia. There are never any professional developments about it. The union never talks about it. IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING! F*@% the curriculum. If there's no discipline there is no learning. Might as well heat the building with the textbooks.

Why?

I'm working hard, as usual, but my work could be simpler if there were books and teacher's manuals for two of my subjects. It's a real pain in the ass to create lessons out of whole cloth. I'm not a scientist or historian. I know a lot about both subjects but not enough to create curriculum and materials for them. Why would the school district do this? So I've been cutting and pasting everything I can find to create weeks of lessons. It's really aggravating because I don't have the time to do this work. I've got enough on my plate with teaching and classroom management. There's no time left for me to become a researcher too. Still, I've got to do it or face the wrath of the administration.

Drugs, not just for breakfast anymore.

I don't understand parents that don't give their children prescribed medications. I have a number of students that should be on ritalin or similar drugs and their parents refuse to give them the pills. Why? Some of the parents think they are doing the kid a favor. They aren't. The reason I say this is because I see it from the inside. These kids with ADHD and other conditions are dangerous at times to themselves and to others. They aren't having fun in school. They aren't fitting in with their peers. At times they are the butt of jokes from insensitive and cruel peers and staff. They are physically disruptive and destructive and run the risk of injury and perhaps a free ride in the police car. Why do these parents decide to withhold drugs prescribed by a doctor? Some think this is some kind of experiment. I had a parent last year who thought she'd just stop the pills because he must be cured after taking them for a week. No one is cured. It doesn't work that way. Not at my school.

Up and Down

My students are a handful this year. So what else is new in the inner city. I was pretty depressed yesterday evening after my Monday. I should have remembered that it was Monday after all. The kids were just atrocious yesterday afternoon. Today they weren't so bad. I left feeling a lot better. This teaching thing is that way. You're up and then you're down. One day everything is wrong and the next most everything is right. I called 15 parents last evening too. I think that may have lit a fire under a few of my students. Whatever works to help them see the light. I'm not the enemy. I'm just trying to teach some school. Easy now, big fella.

Ready

Well, tomorrow I'm back at it. My students will get better at their routines. I know they will. I'm thrilled to be going to work tomorrow. I wasn't able to say that too much last year. This year is just as hard but different. I feel more at home in my school and in the district. I feel more secure about my place. I know the curriculum. I know the resources available to me. Things are better in so many ways. I'm getting more sleep. Last year I was pulled in so many directions at once. I was taking courses for my masters, taking mandatory new teacher classes from the district, doing all the work of running a classroom, and trying to be a good husband and father. I was dead before I even got out of bed last year. This year I have just one more course to take. I'll be done with it by Thanksgiving! No new teacher class! I just teach and teaching is enough; it consumes every part of you. "Take Five" by Dave Brubeck is the RealPlayer as I write this. Mmm. Time to sign off and go to bed.

Aha!

I was just speaking to a parent. She mentioned that she'd speak to her son about his behavior in the morning. He went to sleep at 7:30, his usual bedtime. Hmm. No wonder he's so full of beans in my class! He's getting about 15 hours of sleep a night! I'd be shot out of a cannon, too, if I was consistently getting 15 hours of sleep a night. Perhaps he can start drinking coffee? I'll give Mom a pound of fresh-ground Blue Mountain.