Worse

I feel even worse about it now. I can't get the sour taste out of my mouth. Give me one reason I should drag myself to work tomorrow.

I am a hypocrite

Ok, here's my question - Why do I teach? I'm asking because my grades were submitted and my principal changed five of them. Five of my kids should repeat the grade and my principal nullified my work with a stroke of her magic pen. Straight F's change instantly to parent- and NCLB data-friendly C's. Nice.

My principal has many more years of expertise but she hasn't taught these kids a lick. Jeremy can't read on a kindergarten level. Tito doesn't understand math involves numbers. Renee would have to cram to pass the fogged mirror test. Caesar doesn't know my name let alone his schoolwork. Andujar is on another planet when he's at school (he's never there). My principal shouldn't pass kids when she has no first-hand knowledge of their work or capabilities. These kids are on the absolute bottom.

It's a big joke on everyone and I'm a participant whether I want to be or not. Integrity. Accountability. Honesty. Come on?

In a few days we'll turn in everything and there will be at least 10 days of school without curriculum, books, or materials. Why? Today was a nightmare but at least we had textbooks. There's a hell of a lot of hypocrisy in education. Let's start at the root. I am a hypocrite by participating in this sham. I thought I was a grownup when I started this career. I've grown up more in these months than I ever thought possible. The growth has twisted and distorted me. That's not good.

$2.75 Coprolite

I took my daughter to the Franklin Institute and we had a great time. We made paper, walked through the giant heart, rode on the locomotive, surfed, and sat in an airplane. I wish I had bought one of the dinosaur coprolites for $2.75. It slipped my mind on the way out. Oh well.

The look on a 4-year-old's face when you explain a rock is actually a fossilized piece of crap is priceless. I'll remember her laughter and beautiful smile when I'm back at it tomorrow morning.

Got to input some grades into the school district computer. Lovely.

Lawn nonsense

I was just cutting my lawn. Man, what a waste of time. I'm not sure what purpose a lawn serves. It certainly eats into my life and drives me crazy.

More to cut tomorrow. I'll never let it get this high again.

Give blood

I gave blood this morning and it's catching up to me now. I can barely stay awake. However, I encourage everyone to give blood every 56 days.

Friday

Another week down. I'm closer to my ultimate goal. It's a beautiful day and my daughter is with Grandma. Time for dinner and a movie.

Federal Cufflink

"We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there's not this kind of federal -- federal cufflink." George W. Bush, Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee, WI, March 30, 2000.
What the hell does that Bush quote mean? Federal cufflink? Couldn't the right-wing special interests have purchased a smarter president? Don't Republicans get tired of making excuses for this guy? Just a question to ponder on a moist, chilly Philadelphia day.

No prep and no recess. Kids all the time. I'm superduper tired and miles to go before I sleep.

Missing You

It seldom occurs to me that the kids like our school and are happy to be there. They are. It makes no sense to me when I'm surrounded by chaos but they do love it. Even the ones that say they hate it. One of my boys, Mo, was reading the calendar for June. "Mr., we get out of school on the 15th and then we're back on September 6th. That's too much time. I'm going to miss this place because I like it so much. I don't want to be away for that long." I had to smile and I felt a pang of sadness. Mo seems like such a tough guy and all this time he's sad inside because he'll be missing us.

I'm going to miss them, too. I regret the fact that I haven't been able to spend enough time with each of them. I've tried but there's too many. Thirty-eight kids by myself is not an easy thing to swing. They are good kids and they have awful hard lives. I'll never let them off the hook academically, but they're aces in my book for just getting up and coming to school. They do so much just to survive. What do I do? I eat three squares a day, live in a decent house, and have a wife and daughter who love me. I have nothing to complain about.

One of my boys told me about his weekend trip to Delaware. "Mr., You can go outside at night and see all the stars. It's so quiet, you can hear the bugs. If you leave your bike outside no one will steal it. If you walk around there's no police or guns or drugs. It's nice up there." Why doesn't Tino get to live in a place like that? Why is he stuck in a broken down rowhome in a drug-infested neighborhood? It breaks my heart.

I'm coming back to my school next year. I want my kids to succeed.

Summer vacation, please?

Yesterday wasn't bad as Mondays go and I guess I got cocky. I forgot about something we in the business call "Tuesday". Tuesday hit like a sucker punch. The kids were just off the hook. This would have been enough but the ways they were off the hook were just amazing. Out of my 38 there were at least 14 throwing stuff at different points of the day. Probably 32 were talking constantly. Perhaps 20 were tearing out pages of their notebooks, textbooks, whatever, and tossing ripped pages on the floor, creating paperballs, eating the friggin' paper, or doing all three. Fifteen of them were yelling at me, cursing, fighting, walking around the room, you name it.

This still could have been somewhat bearable if our administration was supporting the teachers but they aren't. If I send a kid to the disciplinarian the kid returns in 15 minutes. Usually with a smug grin on his face. If I send a kid to the assistant principal of discipline the kid comes back even faster and with a bigger grin. Our principal doesn't suspend anyone anymore. "Have you prepared a CSAP?" A yes gets a "Let's wait for the paperwork to take effect." A no gets a "Well, you need to do the paperwork first." Oh, and they are going to observe the teachers and write informal notes on performance and hallway behavior and the rest. Hello! The kids are out of control. Stop beating up the teachers, you morons! Suspend some kids. Make their neglectful parents come in and find out about their horrible kids.

This isn't going to happen. Our principal isn't suspending anyone anymore. It would require work. Our assistant principal isn't disciplining anyone anymore. The friggin' inmates are running the asylum. Every kid knows this and they're getting worse because they know nothing will happen to them. What's it going to take? Perhaps a teacher needs to get seriously injured? A colleague of mine in another school practically got his leg broken when a kid threw a desk at him. He can't walk without a cane right now. I don't want that to happen to me. My students are capable of stuff like that. I see their anger. They are so angry. So angry they don't even know what they are angry about.

Just let me get to the finish line. That's all I'm asking for. I'm so friggin' exhausted and just a little scared. Perhaps a novena to St. Jude will help? I'm a hopeless case if there ever was one and I just want the summer vacation.

Cup of coffee

Classes in the school district are much like baseball teams. Students drop out due to injury, some are traded, some come up for a cup of coffee and vanish into obscurity, some hit for power, and others hit for average. Students come in and out of our roster all the time. Our population is unbelievably transient. A look at a child's pocket (personal file) reveals dozens of addresses for a typical student. A student might have 15 addresses by the time they reach 8th grade. Those addresses could canvass the city and include a few states and perhaps a foreign country or two.

There are so many issues of trust, neglect, accountability, interest level, hostility, ability, and parental involvement going on here in this reality. How can someone make a go of learning when they have three addresses and three different schools in one year? How can someone make a go of learning when they don't know where Mom or Dad is or where their next meal is coming from? Perhaps they don't have a bed to sleep on. Perhaps they have no one to talk to at home?

A student came back to class. He'd left in November because Dad went to prison. He went to live with other relatives in the Florida Keys while Dad was incarcerated. Now Dad's out and my student is back with me. Tan and unhappy. Never did find out what Dad did, none of my business anyway.

All of my students know someone in prison. This is a weird world.

My wife makes excellent Mint Juleps.

Jim Beam makes a most delicious Bourbon. Just thought you readers ought to know that. Got to go to bed now. Kids in a few hours. Still time for one more?

Riding out May.

The weekends go too fast. I've been working hard on all sorts of projects and there isn't enough time to finish any of them. Why? There must be some law of the universe to explain this one. I know it's not Ohm's or Murphy's. Perhaps it's a principle? Hmm....

Silent Alarm from Bloc Party is a good soundtrack for not completing anything. I've been listening to it all day. I wonder if my students would rock to it? We're at polar opposites on music. They love Eminem. I don't. Enough said.

Here's hoping for a quick, sunny week with lots of preps and lots of student absences.

I love the smell of antifreeze in the evening.

I have to get a new car. I was driving to pick up my daughter last night and it was cold and rainy. I was freezing my ass off and remembered "Hey, I have heat!" I turned on the heater and was greeted with the acrid fumes of antifreeze mixed with a hint of 10w/40. Some heat came out, too, and my windows miraculously defrosted. I'm not sure what effects breathing this melange of chemicals has on my body but it can't be good for me or my passengers. My daughter rides with me. Enough said.

I'm not much of a car nut but I do want a stick. My current ride is an automatic and I miss a 5 speed. Something between $8,000 and $15,000 should do the trick. Lastly, it should be funky, reliable, and get good gas mileage. What should I get?

All your base are belong to us

Things are good at rookie schoolteacher central for the time being. For some reason the kids were great. They were good yesterday as well. I've learned that this is unpredictable at best. There are up days and down days and some days that never happen again. I do love the kids. More and more of them know me and say hi and it makes me happy. My school is an impossible place to work and the best place to work. I am needed here. I am making a difference.

My body is feeling the strain of the year. My knees are tired of standing. My back is too. My right knee feels horrible and I think I should go to the doctor. Soon there will be time for all these things. Time.

I'm drinking a Mexican Coca Cola as I write this. They use real sugar and a glass bottle. This is the way a Coke should taste. Takes me back to the old days when I'd buy the 8 oz. bottle out of the machine after baseball practice. Best quarters I ever spent in my life. This Coke for a $1.19 at the Indian grocery is the best $1.19 I ever spent for sure.

Laughter is contagious

We don't laugh enough in my classroom. We don't laugh enough in my school. The students don't laugh enough. It's such a shame because laughter is so good at building community, cementing friendships, and defusing tension. Laughing is just not part of the equation. Everyone is hard. No one is weak. It's so sad.

This afternoon my students started to smile. One student smiled and then another. People whispered to others. More smiles broke out and giggles too. They were all looking at me. I knew I was doing something funny but what? I was sharpening a pencil. What's funny about that? Perhaps something awful was hanging out of my nose? My fly was open? "Is my sharpening that funny?" "Mr., your face as you were sharpening. You looked so serious. It was funny!" We all busted up laughing. It was wonderful. I needed it so much. They did too. I love them in moments like this more than they know.

I'm beginning to feel the end coming. As bad as it can be sometimes, I am going to miss them when they move on to the next grade. We had a wonderful math class and they were so smart today. Even students that never participate were getting things right and enjoying it. It literally brought tears to my eyes. I'm missing them already.

Just going through the motions

We should have finished our grading on May 12. This came down in a delightful missive from our administration on May 13. No advance warning as usual. We must enter our grades into the almighty school district report card computer system by May 26. Our last day of school is June 15. So we are committed to excellence in education but we finish our grading a month before school concludes.

The School District of Philadelphia is a joke and a sham. Trouble is I'm not laughing. We close our books a month before the school year is over. Why? We aren't committed to quality instruction. We shut down a month early. We're just going through the motions. The kids know it, too. They barely cared when the work counted. Do you think they care now when they know instruction is meaningless? Accountability my ass. Quality instruction my ass.

I am so sick of the lies. We had visitors today in our school. We spruced up and made everything look spiffy and locked away all the problem kids. Those visitors saw such a sanitized version of the school. It makes me sick. I have so many kids that need so much and I have no way to give it to them. Lots of self-important educators marched around my building observing things, though. They should dump their clipboards and briefcases, take off their ties and jewelry, and start teaching. Teaching is the last thing we care about. Push that paper, make sure your bulletin board is beautiful, and enter the grades. Oh, and smile while I criticize you and belittle your status as a rookie. Smile rookie schoolteacher, smile.

I have no solutions. I just call 'em like I see 'em.

Motivating my boys

The kids just want me to spoon the knowledge right into their heads. Better yet, I should skip the middleman and write the projects for them. It's really frustrating. We are to push literacy for 120 minutes a day. Reading and writing. The kids HATE it, especially the writing. They would rather crawl on their knees through glass than write. If you combine research with writing they would rather crawl through a glass minefield. They never want to read anything. Never.

It's so sad. The boys are particularly sad specimens. They don't care about school because they will get good paying factory or construction work; become drug lords; become basketball, football, or baseball stars; or become the next 50 Cent. The odds of becoming a major-league athlete are astronomical. You'll have better luck getting struck by lightning while winning Powerball. Same with becoming 50 Cent. Drug lord could happen but most likely you'll end up dead or in prison. The factory jobs have all gone to Mexico. Construction is cyclical. Who can tell?

I heard a great story on the way in this morning about girls outperforming boys in academics. Girls are getting more bachelors and masters degrees than boys by a large margin. What is wrong with the way we are teaching boys? Interesting question. What is wrong with boys? They are going to be left behind. Way behind.

I want my boys to succeed and I grieve for their futures but how can I motivate them? How can I make school cool?

Calgon, take me away!

Why is it every time you arrive in a good mood the whole thing just takes a nosedive? I arrived on time this morning despite the horrible and inscrutable traffic slowdowns on my commute. I felt great, happy to be alive, happy to see the kids, and basking in the glow of the hot morning sun. All of this good feeling evaporated in about 15 minutes of being with the kids. My glow disappeared and in came the Monday from Hell. I want to forget it ever happened.

My kids never stopped talking and they never stopped with their snide comments. That touched off a number of bad tempers and the fun just never stopped.

The hissy fits from my boys kept coming and coming. Just an aside, but they don't make boys like they used to. They are as fragile as newborn snowflakes.

The classroom phone rang about 38,000 times this afternoon. Lots of quality instruction is going on when the class phone interrupts everything.

One of my boys just up and vomited over everything at about 1:30 pm. That tore it for me.

My voice is gone from yelling, pleading, cajoling, and imploring. How many times can you ask a class to do the normal things like get out a pencil and paper? My head hurts. I'm exhausted. The room smells like a foot. I've got to get out of here.

I'm doing my best up here in my room although to the outsider it might appear that I haven't a clue. Still, I'm trying my best. On a day like today the great John Dewey himself would have thrown in the towel.

Will there ever be a day when I actually have a great time doing this? When I actually laugh at something? When I let my guard down? When my kids have fun?

Eighteen kids

I ran into my cooperating teacher from my student teaching days. We were both shopping at Lowe's. He has 18 children in his 4th-grade class. If I had 18 kids things would be so much different.... I want to keep teaching in the city, though. This is where I should be. These kids need committed teachers. If I give up and go to the fabulous suburbs then what have I done? Politically I believe that education in the inner cities will only get better when people like me commit to working and changing things there. Politics. Man, my politics really bite me in the ass sometimes. If I were a Republican I would be smoking a big cigar while driving a Hummer over some unfortunate hippie's VW microbus. Fun. Well, I'd rather work in the Hell of the inner city than burn in Hell for being a Republican.

Enron

The wife and I saw Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room last night. What a well-made and entertaining documentary. I never had so much fun watching arrogance and greed. Highly recommended.

Watching it made me think about how many "business people" are friends of the Bush Administration. I put that in quotes because most of them weren't very good at business (Enron, Global Crossing, and WorldCom). They were very good at bilking investors and creating money laundering schemes that seemed to be businesses. They were very good con artists. Smoke and mirrors. The essense of the Bush Administration. Fudged Enron-like numbers and information to substantiate an invasion of Iraq that was unnecessary. More stories this week about how the Bush Administration invented the entire thing. Fudged Enron-like numbers in Houston to get the No Child Left Behind law going. States are rebelling. The real numbers don't add up and yet we are saddled with a law that demands we meet impossible goals. Goals built on lies.

The Bush Administration is all a house of cons built on Church Lady rightiousness. Behind it all is nothing but smoke, mirrors, and insatiable lust for power at the expense of everything - the United States of America, the environment, lives, and, yes, even religion. Their rightiousness has made the average American look over their shoulder for even thinking these things. Thought crime just makes our enemies stronger. Unbelievable, but thank God we're safe from gay marriage. Maybe things are getting better? Social Security reform is DOA. Bush's fake war is very unpopular and getting more unpopular by the day. His poll numbers are sinking lower and lower and lower.

I'm glad I left corporate America for teaching. Too bad the greedhead jackasses of corporate America think they can squeeze profits out of schools and have followed me. Let's run schools like businesses. Right. Let's run everything like a business. Let Adam Smith's friggin' invisible hand move everything. The only problem is schools lose money because they can't be efficient businesses. People don't learn efficiently in tight time frames. Things aren't always quantifiable. This isn't shirking accountability. This is reality. Learning is messy. The world is inherently messy.

Schools can't be businesses and shouldn't be. Everything is not up for privatization. Some things, like schools, that are good will lose money and should be left alone to lose money because they are valuable. Public transit is another one. Power plants are another. Social Security is another.